confess

:: confess ::

Today, I’m down again sigh… my father knew my past, that’s really sick. He knew it from the message that I sent to my friend. Argh! My phone is broken and I used my daddy’s cell phone, I think I forget to erase all the message aaaaaaaaa! And this morning my dad just said that he read all the message, and asking me about the truth. I’m not the person that can open it all, I can’t speak but I know I can write all my feelings haha. And he asked: why you confessed it? And I can’t say anything.
I go to my room, and I text Sharon and Pinki, cause they knew my past. I want to cry! And I just text them like this: my dad just knew my past. Sometimes I felt like that’s really-really a wrong idea to confess about my past. Really wrong idea… I felt so guilty, so shame.

But, God speak something to me: open your bible and look for Proverbs. I opened my bible and I opened Proverbs.

I got this one, really cool!
Proverbs 28: 13 – He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
At that time, I think back again. that’s really-really my past! and I know, I have to confess it! Devil will not happy about that, and devil wants me to feel guilty and want me to not confess it again.

I know even to confess it will break all my heart and hurt me so, and I will feel so shame, but I know when I confess it, I’m the real winner. Not just it, I’m the conquer for that sins! That’s my past, and I want them to look to my life now. Who knows I will be a missionary? I never wish I want to be a missionary in my past, but now that’s my purpose life. Sometimes I felt, who am I? That He uses me in His amazing ways? That when I pray, people be healed? That they will know Jesus because He uses me? I’m surprised cause when I see my past, there’s nothing can glorify His name! And now He uses me? I’m nothing, really. If you know my past urghhh! But sometimes, when I confess it I want them to see my whole life. Not just my life for now. But my past and my future. I’m really nothing for my past. But now I just can says: it’s all because of His grace. Because of His grace...

And I want them to know that He never ashamed of you! When you confess, and says sorry, He will forgive you!
Like this song:
Oh, how many times have I broken your heart. But still you forgive if only I ask.
And how many times have you heard me pray. Draw near to me.

Still He forgives me and you if we ask. That’s really cool! He’s amazing, amazing…
He will use everyone that loves Him so much! He always look into our heart. No matter about your past, He still loves you and use you. No matter what, He still there for you.

And there’s one thing that makes me confess it:
I love Him, and I will do anything that He ask me to do.
Colossians 3: 23 – whatever you do, work at it will all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
Even that’s so hard for me to confess, but I will do it someday when He ask me to do it. Cause I love Jesus, and I know He want me to tell everyone that He still loves them, no matter what. No matter about your past, He still loves you!

I have this verse for you guys:
1 Corinthians 1: 28-29 – He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are. So that no one may boast before Him.

He’s crazy I know He chose the lowly! To be something that no one can expect. Like me, I’m nothing but now? Everyday I walk with Him and He’s amazing! I really can see God in my life now. And I can’t wait for His amazing plan for me and my future. I really can’t wait =) even it’s so hard, but God always there for me, always…

When I see all the posts of my blog, I want to cry haha! He’s the truly living God, He’s truly amazing, His love is truly for me, so real for me! I never want to going back to my past, never! Cause I can’t live one day without His presence. And that’s really cool!

And I just wrote a letter for my dad haha, cause I can’t speak but I can write =)

And today, I love Him more, and more everday! Send me, and I will go Lord!

rejoice!

:: Rejoice! ::

This is what I’m feeling about the latest 1 month of my life. Today, 18 January 2009. Okay, I’m sad and so many bitter in my heart. So many hurts. From my best friends and friends. Honestly, I’m not okay. I almost crying everyday, I hate it all! I can’t trust anyone! I hate my self. Am I not good enough for my best friend? Okay I’m not perfect. Sorry, I’m so sad now. I really can’t say anything. How come? Why? It just enough for me, I want to give up but I know it’s not a good idea. I want to quit but I can’t. God, please help me! I want to scream, just shout it out! I hide enough. Please, stop it! I can’t handle it, really. It just hurts me so bad. I hate that! Why you won’t to hear me? I want to explain it all but you won’t to hear that, why? Please, be honest guys, please. Enough to cry! And just hearing you guys lie on me! And talking behind me! That’s really enough, enough…

19 January 2009
Okay, I started this morning with crying too. Little fight with dad. It’s not good I know, but everything just mixed up. Have a big problem with my best friend and now, with dad sigh… honestly, I’m not feeling good. I’m asking, why? Am I being punish by Him?
I chat with 1 of my best friend around 3 PM. And I said everything: I hate her! I won’t forgive her! I hide enough! I always cry! And that’s the end! I want to give up now! I’m just a human. And now, I can’t forgive her. That’s really enough, she’s crying and lying in the same time. I hate that!
She said: forgive her. But I can’t at that time, too selfish and I still feel all the pain in my heart, just get sick about it.
I just saying all of my feeling, and it’s not good I think. I’m not being better after that. So many bitter, so many hurts.
I opened the message from Pet and Amanda Adams. I cried… Cause I don’t think I really strong like that. I’m not that strong…
At home, around 6 PM, I’m fighting with my dad again. What a sucks day? – I think. And I just lock my door. I cry and I talk with my Big Daddy. I said all about my feeling. But again, I cry cause I know, I hide enough. no one want to hear me, and I don’t think that’s all my fault? Why she hate me? Why? And I’m asking the joy of the Lord come upon me. And I’m asking, just stop it all today. That’s really enough for me, I don’t want to cry again tomorrow. And I fell asleep.
Until 9 PM I wake up, and I ate my dinner. After that, I just open my inbox from my daddy cell phone, I broke my phone because of all this silly thing haha so stressful, can’t think clearly. I read – again – the message from Josias Supit, Joy. About 1 Peter bla bla bla… honestly, he sent that message yesterday but, I just can’t open any verses at that time haha, can’t think clearly. But, after I ate my dinner, I just went to my room. And I start it again…
I prayed and then, I open the verses from Joy.
1 Peter 4: 8 – above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
I remember this verse about love: 1 Corinthians 13. And this one:
1 Corinthians 13: 5 - it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
And I read this verse:
1 Peter 4: 12 – dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.
1 Peter 4: 13 – but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
And I remember the vision of my Youth group for this 2009, I got it last Saturday:
Hebrews 12, and I read:
5. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons.
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
And do not lose heart when he rebukes you.
6. Because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
And he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

And after that, I pray and I shout it out! And sing this song:
I’m trading my sorrow, I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord!
I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord!

And I still keep this one:
Proverbs 17:17 – a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

I will not cry again, cry like baby ha ha. Cause I know, everyone will bow down on their knees and praise Him! And I know, I’m stronger now. This test, I will enjoy it now! I don’t care about them, I just want to focus on You and rejoice! This is the ‘love test’. Love the others. I have to be more patient, forgive them, not easily angered, and forget all the records of the wrongs. I learn so many things about love, and God is love. Because of You Lord, I’m free now! I rejoice!

=) God You’re amazing! Enjoy it guys haha!

I trust You

:: I trust You ::

I’m in God’s processing now. about friendship. That’s really, HARD!
He just gave a ‘special class’ for this 2 last weeks. Makes me can’t sleep, I can sleep above 1 AM. Pray hard, and thinking too much-that’s my fault. I break my phone cause I’m so mad at that time, little ‘fighting’ with my best friend and my friends, can’t trust anyone, be a ‘baby sister’ for my best friend – that’s really sucks dude, and got so many hurts – you can see my blog with the post title: letter for Jesus, my best friend. But, I learn soooo many things.
Okay, I can’t tell you guys the problems, my privacy haha. If I’m telling you guys, maybe I need 100 pages, it’s a long long long story. But I can tell you what I’m learning about. I almost lost my best friend because I can’t trust her, and like what I said I’m being her ‘baby sister’, have a worries about her and want to control her 24 hours! I almost lost her cause I’m not mature enough, I get mad and I didn’t spoke to her – 1 day.
But, I just remember 1 thing. About my past with 1 of my closest friend at that time. I just control her like crazy, I said no for everything that she did, I mad and have a fighting like emmmm lost contact around 6 months I think?!, I won’t to say sorry and she’s the first who text me sorry after that 6 months-I’m proud of her now cause it’s hard I just knew it hahaha. And now, I think I lost 1 of my best friend because of that, the fighting. I’m too selfish, I want her to not going to the wrong way. It’s like I’m telling her to not doing that things but she doesn’t want to hear me, and we were fighting, not like punching each other but like didn’t want to talk each other so silly haha. Okay at that time I just born again. and I want her to feel it too-you know lahh =] and now, I’m still have a good relationship with her. But I don’t know how is she now. I mean, not like when I’m being her best friend. We almost hanging out together everyday, and being so closed. And, I just regret it all. I mean not regret, that’s a lesson for me too. But its like, feeling sad cause she’s so far with me now. Not really but I miss the time when we’re laughing together and did a crazy thing. Just spend time together and for me now that’s cool, I miss that moment. Really, sorry…
That’s my experience. And now, like God give me the same test. Like what I said, that’s really same. Not really but, kind a…
1 of my best friend just said : what the heck? This story it’s like the same story with your past with 1 of your best friend.
Like what is said - I get mad and I didn’t spoke to her – 1 day. at that time, I cried I did haha so silly. In the karaoke place, that’s really sucks man, really. Maybe I have to cry at that time. I left the room and I’m going to the sitting room. And I cried. I just need time I know, I chat with God about my feeling and bla bla bla. But I ran to the toilet and I cried. I just want to push it out. And God told me : forgive her. I said : yes yes God I forgive her. But it’s like not easy for me. We left the karaoke place, we’re going to the mal and I really like wont to care about her anymore, I left her behind me. But when she left. I felt something wrong. And I felt, I doesn’t want to do it twice-not saying sorry. I doesn’t want to lose her. Lose 1 more best friend? No enough, enough with the past. I text her saying sorry and yeah, that’s okay.
1st lesson : say sorry
2nd lesson : be patient
3rd lesson : don’t fall in the same point

And it’s not the end dude, we still a terrible problems, until now.
And she’s lying to me and some people. I’m not shocked at that time, I can’t speak anything just look at her and, I forgive her again. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s doing that, we’re best friend. You can tell me anything, don’t lying. Honestly, it hurt me so bad. And I cant trust her that’s why, I tried to control her 24 hours. But I’m not feeling okay with that, I didn’t felt comfort with all of that sucks feeling. Worried, mad, can’t trust her, hurting so bad, and so many. And yes, I tried to control her 24 hours but, we just fighting and I’m still saying sorry. We’re okay now. I forgive her and I can trust her now.
We still a human dude, even we love someone soooo bad, we can’t control her. I know, we have a good reason for that. But we cant, just God can do that, can control their life cause God is the owner of all the creation. We can’t changes someone life. Just God can changes someone life. God touch their hearts and sooner or later, they will say : yes. He makes all things beautiful in His time, man!
4th lesson : forgiveness
5th lesson : we can’t control someone 24 hours, just God can do that
6th lesson : just God can changes someone life
7th lesson : everything beautiful in His time

this 2 last weeks I felt so many hurts, tears, tired, mad, I struggle its not easy. I always heard this 2 songs : not alone – secondhand sight (YWAM Perth, School of Music in Mission, Second Level), selalu bersamaku – Giving My Best a. k. a GMB (always with me from GMB. Oh man this song is soooo deep, if you know the meaning haaaa!). and I always crying when I heard that 2 songs. I know she’s lying, I don’t know what she’s think about me – Am I her best friend or not? No one heard me.
But I know, I’m not alone. Even they all leaving me, but He’s not. He’s my amazing friend. My closest friend, no one like Him. And I know, this is for my better life. For me to be a better person. For being a good one, have His character. To do what Jesus do – WWJD what would Jesus do, now I always asking God what would You do if You’re in my position now, and that’s really cool! He push me to makes me be a better one. I’m desperate but I’m really fine now. To be more like Him, yes!
8th lesson : I’m not alone, He always with me
9th lesson : He’s my closest friend, no one like Him
10th lesson : WWJD
11th lesson : push me and its hurt but to be more like Him

Isaiah 28:16b – the one who trusts will never be dismayed.
1st time I got this message, I can’t say anything. And I know, that’s my fault if I’m not trust in Him and her. I trust in Him and her now.
12th lesson : trust in Him and her

Proverbs 17:17 – a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
That’s for her, really. When I fall, I always get up and stand up again. I want her to be like that too. I will give my hand and hold her hand to help her, always besides her in happy conditions or not. Don’t leave her.
13th lesson : help her and don’t leave her alone
14th lesson : finally I know what a friend are for

Psalms 126:5-6 –
5. Those who in tears will reap with songs of joy.
6. He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
That’s right! Tears oh its like everyday with tears. But I know, sooner or later, I’m still the winner. I’m the winner for this problems. I want to bring her to be closer with God, and I know she’d be like that 1 day. the tears its not useless man, the pray.
15th lesson : don’t give up cause we’re the winner
16th lesson : faith dude, faith!

And I remember this.
17th lesson : focus on God, not on your problems
18th lesson : do what you can do, and just give it all the things that you can’t do
19th lesson : don’t take God’s part – to control her
20th lesson : if you have a child. She want to ride a bicycle. For the 1st time, maybe she would fall. But you will help her. Just always be with her and take care of her. We can’t drive it for her, but we just can help her.

So yeah, I’m become closer with God, how precious the friendship now for me but not more than God haha, and I know how to overcome it all now. I have no worries now and I enjoy my life now even still, the problems coming from this case. But I doesn’t want to focus on that problems, and I trust Him, just it. Everything is in God control, not us! It doesn’t mean I don’t care or what, but its time for me to not saying anything. Tired to speak and no one hear me, cause I know no one can changes someone. I’m in God processing now. He gives me strength, always.

And I trust in You, Lord. Just surrender all, my relationship with my friends, my bad and hurt feeling, just control her cause I know I can’t and she’s Yours! You’re our father and I know You know how to take care of us. You love her more than my love to her. You can control her 24 hours but I’m not. I just can fasting and praying for her, support her. And I pray that, someday she would be greater than me. You will use her in Your amazing way! You know my past and You just turn it upside down! And I know You will doing that thing in her life, she would know that Your grace is more than enough for her, no one can satisfied her with love except You! Thanks God, You’re awesome!

I trust You, I love You more